After Sunday... many things changed... It like never going to be like the same as before... I no longer can feel the concern... It seems like hell... everything has became totally different... words that are used every time will now be forgotten... words that are always heard is no longer there... perhaps something just have to leave eventually...

Recently I haven't really catch any good night sleep... been waking up midnight full of sweat and a wet pillow... looking around... I'm barricade in an asylum of darkness... Am I now alone?

Everyone seems to be leaving me in my dreams... is this a premonition? Things that appears in my dreams are becoming reality... Everything that is happening seems so familiar... knowing what is going to happen and not having the ability to stop it... I really wish I can grab a knife and slit myself... Waiting for death has never seems so easy then waiting for everyone to leave you... This mental torture... I feel like I'm going mad...

Perhaps I'll need a psychologist soon... perhaps everything is just a blind... maybe nothing has ever happened and I'm only in an unawakened dream. What is real and what is not?... "Before" seems to have happened but yet it seems like "before" is only a dreamland I made up myself... I really can't figure out anything anymore...

Achieving should be something to be happy with... I got my highest deed... and yet I don't feel a single bit of happiness... is my achievements not enough to fulfill me? or the achievements are not what I really wanted? Is this a flanging point?

If you were to ask me what do I need now... I need an accident... one good accident that allows me to sip into a deep sleep... a sleep that I can awake to, without any past... a sleep that shows me who really loves me...

I'd lost...

all security...